Today I am missing my mom more than usual. No surprise as it is my second Mother's day without her. One of my treasured mother figures passed away last month. I am missing Judi Burnside's whimsical posts today as well. Nothing went according to plans today. Seems appropriate, heh. Several friends reached out, invited me to a mom's day lunch, messaged me, called et cetera. I appreciate the caring gestures very much.
My love and grief for Sandi Rose is common knowledge. What is less well known is my grief at not being a mother. I have been pregnant twice. I miscarried the first pregnancy at 5 months. I had been so excited to be pregnant even though I knew the father was not a keeper. I began to miscarry on my way home from introducing my accidental boyfriend and announcing the pregnancy to my grandparents. The loss was caused by my second acute meningitis episode. This began my adventures in debilitating health. I was prescribed a slew of medications.
I was pregnant again in 6 months. However, the majority of the medications I was on were toxic to foetuses. By this time I was wracked with constant spine and head pain and needed assistance with hygiene and making it to the toilet. I had dropped > 40 pounds since the miscarriage and spinal taps were showing I still had meningitis. I was being seen at Truman while on Medicaid. This meant that they could not directly discuss termination as an option because of the Anti-Choice tendency of our country. So they had to talk all around it which was confusing and tortuous. They said things like, we do not know if you would be able to survive a second miscarriage; there will be no viability; we're not talking defect or impairment, we're talking developing past a mass of tissue. While at the same time Medicaid would not pay for a termination unless I allowed the pregnancy to end in a miscarriage or the pregnancy brought me to death's door.
This was an awful predicament in which to find myself. I was fortunate to having the loving support of my mother. The father of these two would have been children was not effective in his attempts to be supportive of the first loss and I did not discover the second pregnancy until after the relationship ended. I researched all of the medication I was on, verified that my pregnancy was doomed. Everything I read predicted >90% failure to develop. I made the choice to abort. I did not consult the father.
Because grief had led me to an accidental relationship that ended poorly I committed to abstaining from sex until I encountered a soul worthy of my love. Because my health failed utterly at that point, it was many years later before I found such a fellow. By then it was too late and no longer an option to have a child of my own. The more they discover about my genetic defects the more it seems good that I didn't have kids. I know many feel I have been a motherly influence in their lives; just not the same as having one I can keep. Perhaps someday I will become financially solvent and then I could foster or adopt. Never know what the future holds.
Thank you to all the mother's out there. "It's the hardest job you'll ever love..." I saw someone quote the Peace Corps motto in their mother's day greeting on facebook. Very true.
My love and grief for Sandi Rose is common knowledge. What is less well known is my grief at not being a mother. I have been pregnant twice. I miscarried the first pregnancy at 5 months. I had been so excited to be pregnant even though I knew the father was not a keeper. I began to miscarry on my way home from introducing my accidental boyfriend and announcing the pregnancy to my grandparents. The loss was caused by my second acute meningitis episode. This began my adventures in debilitating health. I was prescribed a slew of medications.
I was pregnant again in 6 months. However, the majority of the medications I was on were toxic to foetuses. By this time I was wracked with constant spine and head pain and needed assistance with hygiene and making it to the toilet. I had dropped > 40 pounds since the miscarriage and spinal taps were showing I still had meningitis. I was being seen at Truman while on Medicaid. This meant that they could not directly discuss termination as an option because of the Anti-Choice tendency of our country. So they had to talk all around it which was confusing and tortuous. They said things like, we do not know if you would be able to survive a second miscarriage; there will be no viability; we're not talking defect or impairment, we're talking developing past a mass of tissue. While at the same time Medicaid would not pay for a termination unless I allowed the pregnancy to end in a miscarriage or the pregnancy brought me to death's door.
This was an awful predicament in which to find myself. I was fortunate to having the loving support of my mother. The father of these two would have been children was not effective in his attempts to be supportive of the first loss and I did not discover the second pregnancy until after the relationship ended. I researched all of the medication I was on, verified that my pregnancy was doomed. Everything I read predicted >90% failure to develop. I made the choice to abort. I did not consult the father.
Because grief had led me to an accidental relationship that ended poorly I committed to abstaining from sex until I encountered a soul worthy of my love. Because my health failed utterly at that point, it was many years later before I found such a fellow. By then it was too late and no longer an option to have a child of my own. The more they discover about my genetic defects the more it seems good that I didn't have kids. I know many feel I have been a motherly influence in their lives; just not the same as having one I can keep. Perhaps someday I will become financially solvent and then I could foster or adopt. Never know what the future holds.
Thank you to all the mother's out there. "It's the hardest job you'll ever love..." I saw someone quote the Peace Corps motto in their mother's day greeting on facebook. Very true.
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